im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
