He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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