Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
