you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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