Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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