So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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