I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
