Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
