I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
