dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
