don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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