you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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