guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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