My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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