census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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