That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
