I was born with a shot glass in my hand
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
