i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
