The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
