Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She announced her abortion via fbk
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
