By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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