My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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