Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
