Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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