I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
