Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
