I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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