don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
