if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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