remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize