I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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