I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
