if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
