I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
