does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
