my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
