We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
