My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just blew my weed a kiss
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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