I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
