He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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