i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
