is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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