just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
