I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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