Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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