No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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