Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
