Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
