Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I touched a dick in church today
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