I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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