believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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