I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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