I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
you had me at cake vodka
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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