I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize