I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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