I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize