i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
