walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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