You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Randomize
