every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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