sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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